Instant Pleasure
by idioticonion
Summary: Just an excuse to get an orgy out of our gang of five! There is het, m-m slash, femslash and dom/sub here. Set between Intervention and Shelter Island
1. Chapter 1

**Instant pleasure**

**1. Lily**

Barney sat down heavily at their table, handing them both a glass of white wine. "Lily, your trouble is that you're too wrapped up in your puritanical views of sex."

Lily glanced at Robin before giving Barney a look. "Me? Puritanical?" She'd only started this conversation because, really, if Barney and Robin didn't get together soon, the sexual tension alone was pushing them dangerously close to World War III. Out of sheer frustration, Lily had started steering the conversation around to dating and the sex life of the New York singleton. Talking about sex with Robin and Barney was always enlightening and amusing. But somehow the conversation had become about _her_: Her needs, her frustrations, her simmering resentment towards Marshall for being an absent husband.. not to mention an absent lover.

And now Lily wished that Barney would just drop it, but she knew that making a big deal out of anything made Barney more… Barney-ish. He'd go on about it all night just for the sheer devilment.

And yes, there was the grin…

"Lily, seriously, if you want someone to get you off, you only have to ask. I'll be quick. Two minutes. You can even time me." He laughed when she punched him on the shoulder and then stuck out his tongue, thrumming it obscenely.

"Why do guys always think they know everything a girl likes?" Lily blurted, still hypnotised by what he was still doing with his tongue.

"Yeah!" Robin stuck up for her. "Honestly, Barney, you're enough to bring out a girl's lesbian tendencies."

Lily laughed, because Robin's comment had exactly the opposite effect that the one she probably intended.

"Oh yes! Scherbatsky!" Barney crowed triumphantly, holding out his fist for a bump, which Robin resolutely ignored. "So tell me all about these lesbian fantasies you've been having?"

"Will you _stop_?" Lily said, chuckling. "Besides, any lesbian fantasies _we_ might have-"

"We? We?" Barney sat up, a shark scenting blood in the water. "What's this _we_?" He looked from Robin to Lily and then back again. "Don't just giggle! Tell me!"

Lily gave Robin a secret wink, willing her to play along. "Barney, we're not here to titillate you." She took Robin's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Not when we can titillate each other!"

To Lily's intense surprise, Robin leaned forward and pressed her lips against hers, softly at first, but then passionately and Lily was lost in the taste of fruity lip gloss and… tongue…

Barney groaned out loud and convulsed theatrically in his seat.

Robin disengaged, leaving Lily a little breathless. _Wow, that girl is an amazing kisser._ They'd kissed once before, chastely, gently, at that stupid prom they'd gate-crashed. The weird feeling of sweetness and softness had been enough to invade her dreams. But that wasn't a big thing for Lily. It didn't creep her out or confuse her (or excite her) nearly as much as this kiss had.

Lily shook herself and got to her feet, figuring that the best defence in this situation was offence. "All this talk's got me going…" She said, grinning down at Barney. "I'm off to pee. Coming Robin?"

Robin laughed. "Sure thing, honey."

As Barney moved to get up, Lily held out her hand. "Sit! Stay!" She ordered him. "We need us some girl time."

She laughed as Barney let out a strangled moan and cursed them both until the air turned blue.


	2. Chapter 2

**2. Robin**

Robin staggered out of the bathroom stall, her face flushed and her clothing in disarray. She was pretty sure that what just happened couldn't have happened. But she was _throbbing_ like crazy and her lips felt bruised and puffy and… oh god… Marshall. Lily put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't freak out, okay. But shall we take this upstairs?"

Robin turned and pushed her up against the wall, her mouth covering Lily's, her tongue plundering her mouth hungrily. After a few moments, she broke away, panting.

"I guess that means yes?" Lily said, smiling weakly.

"Lil…" Robin said, still nose to nose with her. "Seriously… Are you _sure_ you want to do this?"

Lily shrugged. "I've been with Marshall for twelve years. It's not like we haven't talked about what's allowed. He told me that if I wanted a full-on lesbian experience then it was fine with him."

Robin sighed and briefly closed her eyes. "Marshall once told you to take off your engagement ring for one night and he stormed into the bar and tried to hit the guy he thought was coming on to you!"

"He was _gay_!" Lily protested.

"That's not the point!"

Lily pressed her lips to Robin's to shut her up, pulling out her phone. "Do you really want me to stop and ring Marshall?"

"Hell no!"

"Shall we stop by the booth and pick up Barney on the way up and screw with him a bit more?"

"Hell yeah!"

They high-fived.

*--*--*

"This is _really_ unfair!" Barney sulked, from the other side of the room.

Robin pushed Lily on to her back on the bed, her hands tangled up in the other girl's blouse. Lily's lips tasted like melting strawberry shortcake ice cream and Barney was distracting her.

"I told you, you can stand there and watch or we can tie you up and gag you."

"Tempting… Although I do have a good view of you two from here. Wow… Lily, you are so _wet_ you dirty little hussy…"

"Barney… we'll tie your hands behind your back where you can't get to your dick."

"You're one harsh woman, Scherbatsky."

"One more word, Barney… I'm warning you..." Robin sat back on her heels, pulling off Lily's skirt. It wasn't that she'd ever really thought about Lily in this way, but now that she was… No one had ever surrendered to her so completely, so quickly - no guy, certainly not Ted. It made her feel… powerful… alive. She pulled off Lily's panties and buried her head between Lily's thighs.

Lily tasted gorgeous, kind of slick and fresh in the way a dude never, ever was. Her tongue thrummed over Lily's clit, hard, then soft, hard, then soft, teasing her, hearing Barney moan, hearing the rasp of his zipper and it drove her wild. She held on to Lily's hips, feeling her shudder and buck as she gulped and pleaded for release.

It was… shocking… amazing… incredible… to do this to another woman, to reduce her to a quivering, begging animal. Lily's hips jerked, leaving the an inch of air between her buttocks and the mattress and her breath stuttered in her throat as she came, her clit spasming beneath Robin's tongue.

Robin was just pulling away - flicking her tongue across the swollen nub one more time and causing Lily to groan in protest - when Robin heard a familiar male voice cry out, "What in the _hell_ is going on here?"

Robin cringed. There really wasn't any story she could come up with that explained why she had her face between his wife's legs and why Barney was jerking himself off watching them.

She hoped to hell that Lily had a way to stop him killing them all.


	3. Chapter 3

**3. Barney**

Marshall slammed Barney up against the wall so hard that he bit his tongue.

"Marshall!" He yelled in mock outrage, trying to look as innocent as a man can with his suit pants hanging down around his knees. "This is-" He stopped himself mid-flow and decided to change tack. "-_exactly_ what it looks like!"

Marshall's cheeks flushed purple and he yelled "What?" punctuating the word with another slam against the wall, almost snapping Barney's shoulder blades. His nostrils flared and there was murder in his eyes.

"Your wife was having hot lesbian sex with the woman I love and they let me watch…" Barney blurted. "They said-"

"Huh- What?" Marshall's anger crumbled into confusion. "_What_?"

Barney's lips twitched into a grin. "Yeah. Hot lesbian sex… I know… Who'd have-"

Marshall pushed him back against the wall, more gently this time. "The woman you _love_?"

"Barney, what the hell?" Robin said from the bed, now lying beside Lily.

"Honey-" Lily tried to interject, attempting to cover her exposed breasts.

"Don't blame Lil," Barney rattled on, "I mean, haven't you ever wanted to do something kinky? Outside of your puritanical marital bed, of course-"

"Will you quit with the puritanical already?" Lily said huffily.

Marshall turned around to look at his wife, one hand still keeping Barney against the wall.

"To be fair, they did offer to tie me up…" Barney said, seemingly not able to keep quiet. Marshall pressed one hand over his mouth and had what was obviously a telepathic conversation with Lily.

Everyone waited in silence for them to finish.

"I'm not sure about this," Marshall said finally, his turning his attention back to Barney and letting go of his mouth.

"Hey, you were the one that said you'd never had a gay experience!" Lily said. "You boys work it out and Robin and I will just get busy right here." She wrapped her arms around Robin's neck and drew her in for a kiss.

Barney started at Marshall, open-mouthed.

Marshall narrowed his eyes.

Barney shook his head, very slightly. Damn, he wished he was telepathic. But somehow, whenever he tried it, all he got was static and old sixties pop songs. He concentrated hard. Nope, no good. He was still stuck on the Beach Boys.

Marshall grinned, leaned forward and kissed him hard on the mouth, his lips rough and demanding, his big meaty hands swooping up to pull at Barney's shirt, ripping it clean open.

"Hey!" Barney tried to say, but his words were lost as Marshall stuck his tongue down his throat. Barney's eyes darted wildly around the room, trying to find something he could use to defend himself. He was pretty sure that if Marshall wanted to have his gay experience, he wasn't going to be able to stop the big guy. But Barney's attention was distracted by Robin's bare arse just visible over Marshall's right shoulder and her moans as Lily slid her hand between Robin's legs and Barney suddenly had a… very appropriate… reaction.

Marshall's eyebrows shot up. "Wow…" He said, panting slightly, "Didn't realise I was_ that_ good a kisser!"

Barney tried to tell him that he wasn't, he really wasn't, but then Marshall had his hands down the front of his boxers and he suddenly and unexpectedly proved that he was very, very good at something else.

Barney cried out into Marshall's mouth, the bigger man sucking the breath out of his lungs with each harsh, demanding kiss. Marshall was rough but his calloused hands were doing something down there that Lil' Barney had never felt from a dude before and, boy, he really didn't want it to stop. Barney jerked like a marionette in Marshall's arms, toes curling as Marshall's knuckles dug into his belly, his fist moving faster and faster. Just on the edge, just before Barney was about to come, Marshall pulled away.

"Ladies, you've had enough fun! Now move aside!" Marshall demanded, and Lily and Robin struggled to untangle themselves from each other's clothing long enough to shift over on the bed. Marshall dragged Barney towards them by his shirt collar, pulled down his boxers and threw him on to the mattress beside to the girls.

Barney landed next to Robin, his bare hip touching hers. She looked over at him and winked. All he could think of was the ache in his balls, even though he new that he was probably going to regret this. As Marshall knelt beside him and grabbed at his dick, Barney closed his eyes, ready to hop aboard whatever weird fantasy train Marshall was riding. Especially since Robin was finger-fucking his wife into oblivion beside them.

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

**4. Marshall. **

Barney was wriggling against him so Marshall lifted one knee and straddled him, letting go of his cock. The minute he did so, Barney turned his head to watch the girls.

"Wow," The blonde man said, reverently. "Marshall, is that the hottest thing you've ever seen in your life?" He reached over to squeeze Lily's dangling breast but before Marshall could feel the first flutter of jealousy, his wife smacked Barney's hand aside with a growl.

"BARNEY!" She shouted. "I warned you!" She pushed Robin away and grabbed at Barney's tie, which was still looped around his neck and practically throttled him with it trying to get it off him. When Robin realised what she was doing she levered herself up from the bed and ran around to the draw, pulling out one of Marshall's ties. "We warned you buddy!" She said, flashing a demonic grin at Barney.

Barney was struggling by this point but Marshall held him down, pinning his arms either side of his head while the girls tied both of Barney's wrists tightly to the headboard. Both girls pulled back to admire their handiwork and Robin even ran her tongue across Barney's bicep.

"So… Marshall," Robin said with a wink. "Now you've got him, what are you going to do with him?"

Lily's eyes seemed to light up. "Ooo! Ooo! Do him, honey! Fuck him!" She seemed to come back to herself for a moment. "I mean - if you want to?" She smiled weakly. "If you like?"

Marshall considered the request, looking down at Barney thoughtfully.

Robin laughed, low in her throat. "Whatever. Just play safe, boys. Lily and I were just getting started, weren't we honey?"

Lily grinned. "Hey, can't we carry on here? Now Barney can't grope us, he's just like a little shelf we can prop ourselves up on!" She tweaked his nipple as she spoke, causing him to snarl.

Marshall sat back on his heels, reaching into the dresser for a condom and a packet of lube that he knew they had left over from that time when Lily had last felt in the mood to experiment. It wasn't as if he and Lily had never done anal. And it would be kind-of good to teach Barney a lesson.

As he rolled the latex over his erection, giving it an experimental tug, Barney's eyes went very wide. "No way, Dude. No way are you putting that thing in me."

"Don't see as how you've got a choice?" Marshall said with a smirk.

"I'll scream."

"You want me to gag you?"

Lily hauled Robin towards her, kissing her across Barney's body. "Nah, I'd enjoy hearing him scream like a girl, wouldn't you, Robin?"

Robin nodded, pulling Lily in for another passionate kiss.

"Well, we gotta do what the ladies say, I guess?" Marshall said with a shrug as he took hold of Barney's knees, avoiding his flailing feet as he lifted the other man's ankles over his shoulder.

Barney shook his head, mutely, his gaze fixed on Marshall's monstrous genitals which were clearly visible in the gap between the two kissing girls.

"Don't look so scared, buddy!" Marshall laughed. I'm not going to hurt you. Just say if it hurts, okay?"

Barney gulped and nodded as Marshall covered his fingers with lube and began to stroke them between Barney's buttocks, swirling around the tightly puckered hole. Robin pulled away from Lily, licked her finger and began circling it around Barney's left nipple. Lily took her lead and did the same with his right before going right back to kissing her friend, this time nuzzling her neck. Meanwhile, Marshall pushed one finger slowly inside Barney.

"Oh Whoa whoa!" Barney spluttered, tugging hard at his bonds. Marshall left his finger where it was, feeling Barney clench around the invasion and he quickly fisted Barney's wilting erection, pumping it back into life. When Barney was bucking beneath him again he pushed another finger inside, scissoring them as wide as he could do but - by seven types of _fuck_ - his friend was _really_ tight. Marshall couldn't wait to see how he felt around his cock but he didn't want to hurt him so he jerked him off for a little while until Barney was begging him to let him come. Meanwhile the girls had become bored and Lily pulled Robin all the way across Barney's chest and rolled back on top of her. Marshall couldn't concentrate on both at the same time and, thankfully, Barney was too distracted by his fingers massaging his g-spot to ogle his wife's hot little body.

"Marshall… Jesus! Let me come already!" Barney begged him.

"Only if you let me inside you!" Marshall insisted.

"Okay, okay… do it! Be fucking gentle though!"

Before Barney could protest, Marshall had removed his fingers and was guiding the shaft of his penis between Barney's buttocks to replace them, masturbating Barney lazily as he pushed forward.

Barney yelped.

Robin and Lily giggled.

But Marshall couldn't seem to stop, now the tight, hot pressure was enveloping he just had this need to push and push and burrow his way deeper into it.

His ears were filled with the moans of his wife being pleasured by his _really_ hot friend (who he'd never, ever thought about like that, pinky-swear, but Jesus she was smoking) and he began to pull in and out of Barney, in and out, not exactly thrust but just moving, inch by inch, getting Barney used to the pain. Experimentally he pushed a little harder and Barney practically rocketed off the bed. Marshall's eyes rolled back in his head as he pumped Barney's dick like he was milking a cow, losing all control as he pounded him into his puritanical-fucking-marital-bed and a million lights exploded behind his eyes.

Marshall took a shaky breath, his heart pounding in his ears, his cock still buried deep in the man beneath him.

Lily sat up, got on to her knees and kissed him, slowly, tenderly, her tongue running across his lips. Eyes still closed, he heard Barney moan beneath him, felt Robin's warm flank pressed against his knee.

Then the front door to the apartment slammed shut causing the four of them free on the bed.

"Hello!" Ted called out as he walked around the living room.

"We're in here!" Barney cried out.

The others glared at him.

Barney shrugged and mouthed. "Sor-ry!" But his grin was anything but apologetic.

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

**5. Ted**

Ted was wondering what on earth Barney was doing in Lily and Marshall's room (it didn't bear thinking about) and when he opened the door, he took one look at the Hieronymus-Bosch-esq scene in front of him, turned around and walked right out again.

He blinked slowly, once, twice, three times. He took a deep breath.

He went back inside the bedroom. He made a strangled noise. He walked right back out again.

Okay, so _that_ was definitely _not_ happening. He was definitely having some kind of mental breakdown. Yes, a mental breakdown. Because that made more sense. Because, seriously, he did _not_ just see Lily and Robin with half their clothes off doing… things… to each other.

And he _certainly_ didn't see Marshall… ngh!

Shaking a little, he walked back into the bedroom.

Luckily (in the loosest sense of the word) Marshall was no longer doing… that… to Barney and Lily was no longer doing whatever-it-is-girls-do with Robin. In fact, both Marshall and Lily were standing by the door.

"Uh… guys!" Ted protested. "Can you please put some more clothes on."

"Oh Ted…" Lily said, pulling him towards her in a loose embrace.

"Ted… Ted…" Marshall repeated, wrapping his arms around Ted from behind so that he was totally enveloped between the two of them.

"Hey!" Came a familiar voice from the bed. "Will you guys stop cuddling and start humping? And someone UNTIE ME!"

"I told you we should have gagged him…" Marshall laughed into Ted's shoulder. Meanwhile, Lily was doing very… bad things/good things… with her hands to the front of his pants. And that wasn't something he'd ever even-

Oh boy!

In a panic, Ted tried to pull away but then he was transfixed with horror as Robin crawled across the bed and straddled Barney.

"Marshall!" Ted squeaked. "I'm about to get married!"

Marshall squeezed his shoulder. "I know, buddy. That's great."

"But my point-" Ted's voice went up another register as Lily pulled down his zipper and he felt he knuckles brush over his shorts. "But my point is that my fiancé isn't doing… er… _that_… to your… penis! Oh my god!" His eyes rolled back in his head.

"Hey, call Stella up! All hot chicks get a free ride on Barnacle junior!" Barney shouted from the bed. "Limited offer only."

"Robin, honey, shut him up, will ya?" Lily said as she pulled Ted's jeans down over his hips.

"Lily… stop… please…" Ted begged her.

"Let it go, Ted," Marshall whispered in his ear. And this was horrible and wrong but _Jesus_ Lily was good at that (all these years and he'd had no idea what made Marshall make those noises in the bottom bunk). "It's not like you haven't seen all of us naked before."

Ted opened his mouth to protest but quickly realised Marshall was right. Although, quite how he knew about him and Barney-

"So, I'm the woman you love?" Robin said, shifting forward on her knees until she was straddling Barney's chest.

Marshall, Lily and Ted turned to face them.

"Er, yeah, about that…" Barney said, laughing nervously.

"You wanna show me how much you love me, hot-stuff?" Robin said with an evil grin.

Barney stuck out his tongue and wriggled it.

Robin laughed out loud, moved higher and lowered herself over his face.

Marshall, Lily and Ted's jaws dropped simultaneously.

"Wow," Marshall said.

"You go, girl!" Lily said.

And as Robin began to moan, Ted suddenly had an inexplicable urge to join them, the tiniest spark of jealousy igniting in his belly.

Lily grabbed him by the dick and pulled him, inexorably, over to the bed so that the three of them came crashing down next to Barney and Robin, jolting the two of them to one side. "Hey!" Robin said, her thighs clamping down around Barney's head, practically suffocating him.

Ted flailed about beneath Marshall's large body, helpless as Lily went to work on his cock, her lips fastening hungrily around it. Ted laughed nervously, wondering just how long Lily had fantasised about this moment, given the enthusiasm she was showing.

Unreasonably small mouth opening girl?? FUCK no…

Ted cried out as Lily deep-throated him while Marshall meanwhile managed to get behind his wife, pushing her forward on to Ted's cock while he (presumably) was also trying to have sex with her.

Lily made a low groaning noise in her throat that reverberated up Ted's shaft, into his balls and right up his spinal column. He grabbed the sheets, twisting them as Lily's head bobbed up and down over his groin. This wasn't happening, he told himself. This wasn't happening.

If he closed his eyes, perhaps it wasn't-

Oh Jesus! Oh shit! Oh, something definitely _was_ happening. Something was imminently going to happen right down his best friend's wifes' throat.

Something-

And then he was coming and Robin was coming and Lily was coming and Marshall was coming and he could feel something yank him to the side and his eyes flew open to see Marshall jerking Barney off and-

CRACK!

The entire bed shifted and dropped a few inches beneath them, causing Ted and Lily to scream in terror and Robin to scream in ecstasy before losing her grip and collapsing across Ted's chest.

Ted coughed and rubbed his eyes as a plume of dust rose up from beneath the broken bed.

There was a groan. Then:

"What the fuck just happened?"

"Ooo, I've got come on my new silk skirt!"

"Wow, that was great, baby."

"Will someone _please_ untie me?"

Ted couldn't help but laugh. "This never happened, right?"

"Right," Lily confirmed.

"Sure thing," said Marshall.

"No problemo," Robin laughed.

"Barney?" Ted prompted him.

"That was awesome," Barney said. "So when are we doing it again?"

They all glared at him.

"What? I'll buy you a new bed! What?" He gulped as he saw Robin's grab Lily's bra, which she proceeded to stuff it in his mouth.

"Thanks Robin." Marshall said, chuckling.

"Someone had to do it." Robin yawned and snuggled up to Marshall. "You're comfy," she muttered.

"Yeah, Marshall's like a great bit bear." Ted said, closing his eyes. "Someone remember to untie Barney?"

"Yes, Ted," Lily said. "I love you guys."

Ted smiled and drifted off into sleep. There was probably going to be weirdness in the morning.

But future-Ted could deal with that.


End file.
